Why these relationships matter more than we sometimes realize
Your child’s earliest relationships begin at home, and those family relationships form the first blueprint for how connection works. But outside the home, peer relationships quickly become the most influential part of social development in the elementary years. Friendships help children build confidence, develop a sense of belonging, and shape how they see themselves at school.
Peer relationships also influence academic growth. When kids spend time with peers who are engaged in learning and positive about school, that environment reinforces a strong school identity. And when students feel like they belong, they tend to show up with more confidence, more motivation, and stronger persistence when school gets hard.
Friendships do something else that is just as important: they give children repeated practice with empathy, communication, and conflict resolution in a setting that feels very different from the family dynamic. Kids do not talk to adults the same way they talk to peers. They do not manage conflict with parents the same way they manage conflict with classmates. So if we want kids to be able to solve problems in the world they actually live in day to day at school, we have to take peer relationships seriously as a developmental training ground.
The goal is not to eliminate friendship problems. The goal is to understand what is normal, teach skills that make relationships healthier, and build resilience so children can navigate challenges without depending on an adult to solve everything for them.
Watch the full video at https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fqzpRatO6OQ
A baseline: how friendship development changes across elementary
If we want to coach kids effectively, we need a basic roadmap of what friendship development commonly looks like at different ages.
Kindergarten and first grade: sharing, routines, and cooperative play
The youngest elementary students are learning how to share, how to take turns, and how to play cooperatively within structure. Before this stage, many children primarily engage in parallel play. They can play near each other and even do similar activities, but they are not always truly collaborating.
Once they enter school, they are placed into routines and social expectations. They have centers, stations, group tasks, recess, and shared materials. Cooperative play begins to form, but it is rarely smooth. Most parents of kindergarten and first grade students recognize the pattern immediately: kids want connection, but they struggle to consistently share control, space, and resources.
That struggle is not a sign something is wrong. It is the work of development.
Second and third grade: “best friends,” fairness, and narrowing circles
In early grades, “best friend” can be based on anything: same shoes, same snack, same favorite color. Many children sincerely believe they are friends with everyone.
But in second and third grade, friendships become more selective and more defined. Kids begin to categorize relationships. “Best friend” starts to mean something more consistent: shared interests, shared activities, shared time, sometimes shared classrooms as they rotate through school routines. Friendship circles often shrink.
This is also when “fair” becomes a major theme. Kids become highly sensitive to fairness, often in very concrete ways. They compare turns, roles, recognition, and inclusion. It is a normal developmental phase, but it can create intense emotions.
Fourth through sixth grade: peer influence rises and group roles emerge
In upper elementary, many families experience a shift that can feel personal: peers begin to matter more than parents in certain areas, especially in social decision-making. That does not mean the parent-child relationship is broken. It means development is working as intended.
Kids also begin to recognize that groups have roles and power dynamics. These groups are not always equal. Some students have more influence, and some students feel pressure to follow. The earlier children can understand that these roles exist, the better they can navigate them without being controlled by them.
What healthy friendship looks like
Before we can coach kids through friendship problems, we have to define what we’re aiming for. Healthy friendships are not conflict-free. They are relationships where conflict can be addressed without cruelty, fear, or manipulation.
Healthy friendships usually include:
Mutual respect
A basic recognition that both people matter.Kind communication
Disagreements can happen, but the communication stays respectful.Conflict resolution skills
A healthy friendship does not end every time something goes wrong. Kids learn how to talk, repair, and continue.Feeling safe and included
That includes emotional safety: no constant fear of rejection, teasing, or control.Flexibility
Taking turns, sharing, compromising, considering another point of view.
A key point for families: kids often need these skills taught, practiced, and modeled repeatedly. They are not automatically “picked up” by every child just because they are surrounded by peers.
Common peer dynamics you should expect
1) Friendships change and cycle
Friendships strengthen, weaken, and sometimes return again. Interests shift. Classroom assignments change. Personalities grow. A child who was a daily best friend might become a casual friend later, and that shift can happen without anyone doing something “wrong.”
2) Inclusion and exclusion periods
Kids experience waves of belonging and separation as loyalty shifts. Sometimes loyalty shifts because of shared interests. Sometimes it shifts because of perceived popularity, humor, attention, or status. Even when adults dislike the reasons for the shift, children are still learning how group belonging works.
Parents cannot fully control this. What parents can do is coach children to make healthier choices inside the social world they are navigating.
3) Power imbalances: bossiness and control
Some children dominate games, conversations, and choices. Some children comply because they fear losing the friendship. This can show up as bossiness, controlling behavior, or subtle manipulation. When kids learn to recognize unequal power dynamics, they become better able to respond without feeling trapped.
4) Competition and inferiority feelings
Children compare themselves constantly: skills at recess, performance in class, clothing, attention, privileges. These comparisons can create feelings of inferiority and can distort friendships if kids begin to measure their worth through the friendship.
5) Miscommunication of meaning and intent
This is one of the biggest friendship disruptors. Kids often assume negative intent when they are hurt or excluded. But friendship repair usually depends on first assuming positive intent, especially when the relationship matters.
Many conflicts explode because a child believes something happened “on purpose,” and then refuses to talk. That is not a character flaw. It is a skills gap. Kids often need direct coaching in how to clarify misunderstandings.
A useful family rule: when the relationship is important, start by assuming positive intent and then ask questions.
Why making friends and keeping friends is hard
Kids struggle socially for many reasons that have nothing to do with being unkind.
Some struggle with:
Shyness and feelings of inadequacy
Impulsivity and lack of a filter
Transitions between schools, grades, and environments
Language and cultural differences
Difficulty reading social cues
When kids feel they have a small pool of potential friends, they may cling to friendships tightly, tolerate poor treatment, or panic when a friend shifts attention elsewhere. They often sense, even if they cannot name it, that connection feels fragile.
And even once friendships form, maintaining them brings new challenges:
jealousy
apologizing and repairing
accepting accountability
perspective-taking
not overreacting to disappointments
learning compromise
Young children often experience right vs. wrong as black and white, and they may treat small wrongs as catastrophes. That leads to dramatic statements like, “I’m never your friend again,” over a single recess choice.
Another reality that is hard for kids: they only control half of a friendship. They cannot control the other person’s choices, loyalty, or mood. Helping children accept that is foundational for resilience.
The parent’s role: coach, not fixer
A major takeaway is this: your job is to coach, not to fix.
Conflict is normal in relationships. Growth happens through conflict. If everything stays smooth, there is no reason for a relationship to evolve. Kids need manageable challenges so they can build the muscles of resilience, problem-solving, and repair.
When adults fix everything immediately, we unintentionally teach dependence. Children begin to look to the parent for rescue before they attempt to solve anything. Over time, that limits their ability to handle friendship challenges when adults are not present.
Coaching sounds like:
helping children name what happened
helping them identify what they control and what they do not
practicing how to communicate
encouraging them to try, reflect, and try again
Fixing sounds like:
contacting other families too quickly
stepping in before the child has attempted repair
removing the child from every discomfort
directing every social choice without teaching the skills underneath it
Coaching takes more patience. It also produces more independence.
Practical skills to teach at home
Teach “I feel” statements
Kids often default to blaming language: “You were mean,” “You hate me,” “You did it on purpose.”
Teach them to describe feelings and impact:
“I felt left out when you didn’t include me.”
“I felt hurt when you said that.”
“I got frustrated when the game changed.”
This reduces defensiveness and makes conversation more likely to continue.
Teach perspective-taking and listening
Listening is one of the most powerful problem-solving tools children can develop. Many kids think they listened, but they only heard the parts that felt threatening.
Practice at home by asking:
“What did you hear them say?”
“What do you think they meant?”
“Is there another way to look at this?”
Teach repair through apology and clarification
Sometimes the child needs to apologize. Sometimes they need to clarify intent.
“I can tell my words didn’t come across how I meant them. How can I say it differently so this doesn’t happen again?”
This teaches responsibility without shame.
Teach that friendships do not always last forever
Children often interpret friendship change as failure. Teach that cycles and shifts are normal. This helps children hold friendships with less fear and more flexibility.
What healthy support looks like at home
Model respectful relationships
If children hear respectful disagreement at home, they learn it is possible. If they observe sarcasm, labeling, and escalation, they absorb that too.
Role-play, especially with perspective switching
Role-play is one of the most effective home tools. It is especially powerful when the child practices as the other person, and the adult plays the child. Hearing their own words reflected back can be revealing.
Younger children may need more help and may need the adult to play the friend. As children get older, switching perspectives becomes a powerful empathy and insight builder.
Encourage reflection instead of immediate conclusions
“What part of this do you control?”
“What part do you not control?”
“What might you do differently next time?”
“What do you think the other person saw?”
Avoid labeling kids. Label behaviors.
Instead of “They’re a bad kid,” shift to:
“That behavior is not safe.”
“That choice is not something we support.”
“That action made you feel hurt.”
Labels become permanent in a child’s mind. Behaviors are changeable. This matters because kids will eventually care more about peers’ opinions than parents’ opinions, and we want them to develop internal decision-making based on character and behavior, not adult labels.
Resilience: what we build when we stop rescuing
Resilience is the ability to face challenges, recover, and try again. It grows through manageable difficulty, not through avoidance.
To foster resilience:
Normalize mistakes: mistakes are part of learning, not a catastrophe.
Reflect on choices: what happened, what could change next time.
Teach coping skills: disappointment, frustration, group work conflict, self-advocacy.
Celebrate effort, not popularity: the goal is not many friends, but healthy effort and growth.
Encourage problem-solving: let kids generate options rather than giving them the answer.
When the solution is hard, teach children to break it into steps.
Everyday ways to build social skills at home
Family conversations at dinner
turn-taking
listening
sharing wins and struggles
problem-solving
empathy and reflection
Games that require turn-taking and coping with losing
taking turns
following rules
handling disappointment
persistence and strategy
cooperative behavior
Letting kids win all the time removes an important training opportunity. When children earn a win through effort, they build confidence and resilience.
Shared chores that require teamwork
Team chores teach negotiation, responsibility, and conflict resolution. If you have one child, you become the partner and can still practice the same teamwork language.
Practice gratitude and empathy explicitly
Say thank you to your child. Show appreciation. Reflect their feelings back to them.
Empathy can sound like:
“I can see you’re disappointed.”
“That hurt your feelings.”
“That was frustrating.”
You can validate feelings even when you disagree with the logic behind the feelings.
Student-teacher relationships: the other major relationship at school
Outside family and peers, teachers become one of the most influential daily relationships for children in school.
Common student struggles include:
seeking teacher approval in an unequal power relationship
fear of making mistakes
adapting to different teaching styles and expectations
misunderstanding tone or feedback
transitioning from nurturing early grades into more structured environments
How parents can support student-teacher dynamics
Normalize different expectations
Normalize accountability
Normalize growth mindset
Teach respectful questioning and timing
Teach self-advocacy for help
Teach how to accept feedback
Practice responsibility
See teachers and counselors as partners
Strong home-school relationships make it easier for adults on campus to support your child when friendship conflict arises. Introduce yourself to the campus counselor. Treat the school as part of the support team.
Key takeaways to hold onto
Friendship struggles are normal in elementary development.
Social skills are teachable and must be practiced.
Resilience comes from manageable challenges, not constant rescue.
Parents model what healthy relationships look like, and kids carry that model into school.
The long-term goal is not a perfectly smooth social life. The goal is a child who knows how to communicate, repair, problem-solve, and adapt as relationships naturally change.
Q&A highlights turned into coaching guidance
“My first grader is distancing, wants to be picked up early, and is in a ‘don’t kiss me’ phase. How do I approach it?”
Changes in affection can be normal. Many children shift away from public affection as they become more socially aware. Sometimes it is simply modeling what they saw from peers.
Start with a direct, non-leading observation:
“I noticed you didn’t want a hug or kiss like usual. That surprised me. Is there a reason?”
Avoid suggesting something bad happened immediately. Let them explain. If you remain concerned, ask the teacher if they have noticed changes at school.
“What do I say when my child’s friend feels like a bad influence?”
Focus on behaviors, not labels. Talk about acceptable and unacceptable choices. Help your child connect the dots between behavior and trustworthiness.
If safety becomes a concern and your child cannot self-regulate, step in as the parent and set limits. But build the foundation first with character, choice, and discernment.
“How do we help kids with special needs like AU build healthy relationships?”
Skills still apply, but many children on the spectrum benefit from social scripts and social stories. Role-play likely needs to be more structured and repeated. Create scenarios, practice scripts, reflect after real experiences, and adjust the script as needed.
“My child’s friendships are becoming materialistic. How do I explain she doesn’t need gifts to keep friends?”
Material experiments are common as kids test what “holds” friendship. Teach the value of connection over things.
Use questions:
“What happens if you don’t give the gift?”
“If they stop being your friend, what does that tell you?”
“Who else could you play with?”
Teach options and reduce the sense of social captivity.
“My kids are shy. How do I teach them to advocate for themselves?”
Role-play is excellent. Also give them controlled experiences of having a voice at home. Let them lead games, make choices, assign tasks, and even help decide fair consequences when mistakes happen. Build the muscle of speaking up in low-risk environments.
“How do I tell my first grader it’s okay when her best friend from kinder doesn’t want to play anymore?”
Validate sadness first. Then check for assumptions versus direct communication. Has your child asked the friend to play? If yes and the friend says no, normalize friendship change and help your child widen her social options.
Practice:
identifying a new potential friend
starting a conversation
inviting someone to play
trying again even when it feels awkward
The goal is not replacing the old friend. The goal is teaching flexibility and connection skills so your child is not stuck waiting for one person to choose them.